Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

911: What’s your emergency?

I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!

911: Are you being tortured?

They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair

911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

We need to put an American base on the sun

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.