Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

tinder is all about the long game

Terribly Tuesday.

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.