Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
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‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep