Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
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The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.