Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
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7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.