Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
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Worth the read.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
smh
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.