Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

Your husband’s super cute, is he single?

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

Hawk o the mornin tuah

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???

“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”

“A hiss-drawn carriage”

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”

Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.