Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

My apartment is a mess, I should move

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

date: i want a good listener

superman: 🙂

date: who can see inner beauty

superman: 🙂

date: and looks good in glasses

clark kent: 🙂

date: wait what the hell

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic