Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
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Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
(by @ZachWeiner )
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.