Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
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I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
feetloaf
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Ironic
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me: