Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
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Need tips on making something look like an accident.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Sticker placement is key.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.