Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”