Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
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If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
had to share :’)
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.