Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
You Might Also Like
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Very problematic
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.