Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
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[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”