Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
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My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
