Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
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me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
The First Farmer
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Hank is one in a melon.
