Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
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Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
My favorite farside!!
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW