Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.