Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)PRINT

Printer)No

Me)PRINT!!!

Printer)Here’s 8,000

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

the icebreaker

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

lol

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.