“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
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Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
