“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
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My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
How much for the goth pool noodles?
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet