Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.

I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite