Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

This chloroform smells expensiv…

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun