dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
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“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.