dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
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“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”