Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
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wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
BRAKING NEWS!!
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.