Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
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barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.