“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
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Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
somebody come look at this
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.