“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
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I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember