“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
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Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.