“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
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boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
