Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
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Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
🔦🌙👣
