Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
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I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take