Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
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Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.