Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

much to think about

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books