Whenever my wife sing, i open up my room windows so the neighbors don’t think I’m beating her.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
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Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
M: Not using my blinker?
M: Because I’m drunk?
Cop: Sir get off the mower!
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
“What’s your strongest trait?”
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
Stop blaming alcohol for your bad decisions. You’re still an idiot when you’re sober.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, “I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store.”
When I wrote “Spiritual” on my online-dating profile, I meant I like to watch ‘Ghostbusters’.