@iamspacegirl

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

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@iGreenMonk

Whenever my wife sing, i open up my room windows so the neighbors don’t think I’m beating her.

@Jaywoo74

Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
M: Speeding?
C: No!
M: Not using my blinker?
C: No!
M: Because I’m drunk?
Cop: Sir get off the mower!

@Mormonger

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

@Reverend_Scott

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB

@_salt_n_lime

Stop blaming alcohol for your bad decisions. You’re still an idiot when you’re sober.

@thepunningman

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

@BeTheCookie

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

@kellysdf

According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, “I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store.”

@Cool_Jesse

When I wrote “Spiritual” on my online-dating profile, I meant I like to watch ‘Ghostbusters’.