Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
You Might Also Like
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Single and childfree like Jesus
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Don’t make me out nice you.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.