“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
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Hmm 🧐
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”