“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
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Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?