Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
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Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Great acting.. 😂
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.