Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

[on the club dancefloor]

DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED

ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts