Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
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Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
That’s enough internet for the day
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger