Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”

when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

lmfao

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”