Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
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Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
it’s the silliest best thing
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.