Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.