Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING