Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
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DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
