Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
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We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.