Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

Tammy is short for Tamuel

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.