Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
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I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.