Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
You Might Also Like
a fate I wish upon no one
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no