Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
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If snakes were wide
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!