Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Blew my mind.

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem