Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early

jeff bezos: moon’s unionized

nasa employee: what?

jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.