Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
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My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.