Got him!
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[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.