wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
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William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.