Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

They must have gotten it to go.

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

[the middle of showering] I need a break

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”

– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.

An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.