Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

At least my masseuse has my back.

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

“Wrong house guys.”

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

“Yup, happens a lot.”

OKAY COOL, SORRY.

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.