Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
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Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.