Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

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THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.