Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
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I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”