Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.

So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.