Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

😾

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.

For when Tinder doesn’t work

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

bad news gang

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”

I hope you folks are recycling correctly

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.