Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.
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I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”