Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
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During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
💀🤣
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
no!! no!!!!!!
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.