Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
![]()
You Might Also Like
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
just witnessed a drug deal
![]()
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
God, I love Scotland
![]()
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
![]()
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.