Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

I know a bad idea when I see one.

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…

I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Real House Wines.

I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

“Huge”.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.