“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
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“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Spring of Deception
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
problems i need