“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
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Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
[shakes fist at other fist]
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Old MacDonald was holding his calculator upside-down, 01313.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄